Surviving a Break Up

The breakdown of a relationship is something that happens to everyone at some point in their life. If you have not experienced this, then you are one of the few lucky ones. Unfortunately others have had more than their fair share of failed relationships. Whether it is you or your partner who end the relationship, it is not a pleasant experience for either. When a relationship ends and you are the one who is broken up with, you may feel like your world is crumbling down around you. Although it will take time, you must remember that you will get through the difficult period.

Reasons for Break Ups

There are several reasons for a break up, some which may seem more hurtful than others. Sometimes a third person is involved and dealing with a break up as well as coming to terms with your partner cheating on you can be crushing. Often someone falls out of love with their partner and sometimes two people in a relationship never agree and argue constantly. Emotions such as jealousy and feeling insecure can play a part in breaking up. These feelings can push partners away, and it depends on each couple whether they have the strength and determination to work things out. It is possible to push your partner away so much that it makes the decision for them to walk away much easier. Every relationship is unique and complex, so there are no standard reasons for a break up that apply to everyone.

It is sometimes clearer to see what went wrong once a relationship has ended. At the time you may think your relationship was fine and a break up was a complete shock to you, but having spent some time going over and over things in your head you may see some flaws in your relationship. Usually the person who ends a relationship has been planning it for a little while and it rarely happens spontaneously. Leading up to a break up there are often arguments where your partner may have been preparing for ending things with you but didn't follow through. Breaking up with someone is a huge decision and shouldn't be taken lightly.

Breaking Up

Some people come out of a relationship not fully understanding what happened. You may be given some poor excuses as to why your relationship is over and never find out the real reason. This could be due to your now ex-partner trying to spare your feelings or simply making the situation slightly easier for themselves. You may accuse them of being selfish and call them every name under the sun, but you need to ask yourself is it fair for them to stay with you just so they don't hurt your feelings? This does not apply to all relationships, but whether you like it or not there are two sides to every story.

Despite how a relationship ends, it is heartbreaking. You may feel like you will never get your life back on track, but this is not true. The best way to move on involves you distancing yourself as much as possible from your ex-partner, although this is not always possible, especially when children are involved. The worst thing you can do is take revenge, no matter how angry and upset you are. Taking revenge on your ex will only make you look pathetic even if you feel you will gain satisfaction from it. Don't let your ex have the satisfaction of seeing you in a revengeful state. The best thing you can do is to pick yourself up and accept what has happened. Once you have accepted what has happened you can begin to move on. This in itself will take time and you will become increasingly angry with your ex; this is part of the natural healing process of a break up. Initially after a break up you will be upset, which will turn to anger and as time goes on you will find yourself feeling a little better each day, until one day life will seem a little easier and you will start smiling again.

Break up Do's and Don'ts

Do's

  • Simply take one day at a time. Looking too far ahead is overwhelming and can have a negative impact, so stay focused on the present.
  • Accept what has happened. Unless you learn to accept the situation you will not allow yourself to move on.
  • Get support from your friends; there is no need for you to get over the break up alone. Friends help comfort you and are willing to listen to you talk things through.
  • Have a break from socialising. You need time to think clearly about what has happened and a night club or bar is not the best place for this.
  • It is all right for you to have a good cry and feel sorry for yourself. This is part of the recovery process.
  • Feeling angry towards your ex is perfectly healthy, for a limited period anyway. These angry feelings will give you the strength to move on.
  • Take what you can from your failed relationship. Whether you have leant about yourself or leant to recognise signs of a good/bad relationship, take these on board for your future relationships.
  • A holiday is a good way to gather your thoughts in a different environment. A change of scenery can help put your life into perspective.
  • Freshen up your image by having your hair done or buy some new clothes. Often a simple change in image is enough to make you feel better and confident.
  • Stay positive. Dwelling on your failed relationship is not healthy. Positive thinking will help you get over the split at a faster pace.
  • Be patient. As a relationship ends, it leaves you free to meet the man/woman of your dreams, so be patient and you will meet someone special.
  • Starting a new hobby or activity is a great way to distract yourself and help you to move on.
  • If need be, a change of job may be required to get over your ex, and at worst relocating may be necessary. These sound drastic, but if they are the only way you will be able to move on, then they are worth it.
  • Remove all of your joint possessions, unless you can detach feelings of your ex from them.

Don'ts

  • Don't take revenge on your ex, no matter how much satisfaction you feel you will gain from it. Taking revenge is something you may later regret and at the time will make you appear rather childish.
  • Don't be bitter and accuse all men or women of being alike. Just because you have been hurt by one man/woman, it doesn't mean that your next partner will treat you the same way. Initially after a break up it is natural to feel bitter, but try to get through this stage as quickly as possible. By staying bitter, you will only end up isolating yourself and prevent yourself from meeting your next partner.
  • Avoid dating straight away even if it distracts you from the situation. A new relationship will be affected at some point due to you not giving yourself the chance to accept the end of the previous one. It's not fair on your new partner if you are still hung up on your ex. Rebound relationships are rarely successful.
  • Never try to get back with your ex. You will only make yourself look desperate. If they have made a decision to end things with you, then there is no point in begging them to take you back. Usually once they have made the decision, it is final, but if they do take you back often a break up occurs again further down the line.
  • It is advised not to take your ex back. If they come crawling back to you, you must be strong and say ‘no'. They left you for a reason and there is a risk it could happen all over again. By taking them back you will be putting your heart on the line.
  • It's not a good idea to agree to be good friends with your ex. At the time you may be willing to do whatever it takes to stay close to them, but this will only result in yet more heart ache. By being a good friend you risk being there to watch your ex move on and meet new partners. It hardly ever works out staying friends so there is no point in putting your emotions through more than they have to.
  • Don't try and see your ex at places you know they will be. “Accidentally” bumping in to them will lengthen you acceptance and healing process of the break up. Visiting places you both used to go and share together is also not a good idea.
  • Don't look for an excuse to contact your ex, unless absolutely necessary, obviously this may not be an option if children or property are involved. Immediately after a break up is not a good time to make rash decisions. At this time you may not be thinking straight and make a very bad decision that seemed a good idea at the time, but will actually have a negative impact.
  • Most importantly, do not blame yourself for the break up. If your partner couldn't talk to you about their feelings, then that is down to them, not you.

Moving On

It is a known fact that it takes time to recover after a break up. Some people take longer than others, but everyone goes through the same motions. Using these do's and don'ts as a guide will help you to get through a break up and come out the other side feeling positive. After a failed relationship many people feel like giving up and don't believe that they will ever meet their ideal partner. It is important that you don't continue feeling like this as negativity won't get you anywhere in life, especially with relationships. All you need is some time being single to get your life back on track until you feel ready to date again. Many people feel online dating is a good way to ease yourself back into dating, one of the many benefits of online dating.

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